Divorce often seems like a collapse – above all, of one’s usual world view. Many people think that it is impossible to get over this dark period and start living happily again, but this is not the case. A psychologist tells us about the steps that need to be taken on the way to a fuller life.
When a long-standing relationship, not only based on shared memories but also on children, life and finances, collapses, it is like the end of the world. However, it is possible to go through this period with dignity if you remember how to behave at each stage of the divorce process. Olesya Lupak, psychologist, sexologist, systemic and family therapist, told us how to end up happy.
According to her, divorce is usually initiated by women, as it is much harder for men to take this step. This is partly because they associate marriage with an empty bed, no breakfast, no communication – in other words, the bachelor life is frightening. “It is therefore psychologically much easier for women to perceive divorce precisely in the ‘pre-divorce period’. After a divorce, the opposite is true,” says the psychologist.
Thus, after the dissolution of the marriage, men rather quickly settle in their bachelor house, enjoy the freedom and very long do not want to propose to someone else. This is usually the case if they did not have a parallel relationship during the marriage. But the women who have been so easy on their shoulders when deciding to get a divorce feel much worse afterwards. For example, they reflect on their inability to meet an ideal partner and the prospect of ending their lives surrounded by a dozen cats.
“Moreover, if a woman has children, it exacerbates her worries, because I want to find a man who will not only be good for her, and who will treat well her and her children, “- said psychologist.
STEP 1. REFLECTION
You are out of the registry office, you are divorced – what next? Olesya Lupak recommends remembering the mistakes you made in this relationship. But they do not need to look at them from the position of “I’m a terrible person” or “It’s all his fault” – do not stumble into self-criticism and condemnation of the other person.
- It is best to formulate two questions:
- What did I do well in this relationship?
- What do I need to do differently next time?
STEP 2. TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
What is happening to you is not easy. So take care of your physical and mental health. It’s best to see a psychologist and sign up for individual or group therapy to work through the pain left over from past relationships. This will ensure that you don’t carry it into new ones.
“There are many courses that help restore mental balance through intuitive drawing, neurographics, art therapy, body-movement therapy and others,” the expert advises.
STEP 3. FIND A FRAME OF REFERENCE
In order to finally get overwhelmed, it’s worth thinking about what you really want out of your life. What should it be like to give you pleasure? What would you be proud of? What are your personal boundaries and what do you really need a partner for?
The psychologist notes that you should enter into a new relationship only after you become comfortable with yourself – then you will not be at the expense of the new person to solve their personal problems.