Trying on the role of the victim, blaming everyone around for our problems, we sometimes feel a strange pride. How does this feeling manifest itself in communication with others and what does it say?

Often people strive to make others happy, give them their time, money, feelings. But they do not bother to clarify whether others need all this. Sometimes you have to hear: “I sacrificed so much for you, but you don’t …” The list of these “not” can be endless. And always in such claims there is pride, the exaltation of one’s own suffering in the name of the good or joy of others. And then the victim, imperceptibly for herself, turns into an aggressor.

Let’s make it clear right away that this text is not about violence. We mean safe everyday situations in which we sometimes do not act directly, but try to get our way with the help of manipulations. And we do it, of course, unconsciously. That is why the term “victim” does not refer to a person’s position in life as a whole, but to the role from which he – again, unconsciously – more often communicates with others.


A person who tends to interact with others from the role of a victim often takes on duties that no one asked him to perform, heroically overcomes difficulties. He does not ask anyone for help, but waits for everyone around to guess for themselves how much effort he spends on doing good.

It is as if those around him should read his thoughts, the bosses are obliged to pay a lot of money for his work, because he meekly bears his cross and does the work for others

A person who regularly tries on the image of a victim, it seems that doing something for others, even without their desire, he has the right to demand compliance with his own rules. This expresses his pride, a kind of morbid vanity.


Why don’t we directly ask for what we want at all? The desire for unconditional love for a child is quite natural. We all want to be loved for who we are. But if in childhood we learn to earn love, do not receive it from our parents just like that, without any conditions, it is highly likely that we will take this habit into adulthood.

Then we run the risk of entering into any communication from the position of a victim: giving something and demanding love and respect in return.

At the same time, quite often we ourselves do not understand our desires and aspirations, we do not know how to talk about feelings, directly and tactfully indicate our boundaries. And by doing so, we violate the boundaries of others. As a result, sacrifice begins to look like arrogance. Exaggerated expectations, not voiced in any way, lead to resentment, which in turn returns a person to the role of a victim.


Let us analyze such transformations with examples.

Story #1

“My husband doesn’t love me,” says the client. In her opinion, her husband does not notice her, does not pay attention to her, does not support her on the way to goals. He must do all this for her because she does the same for him. So it turns out that her love and care are not unconditional, they are like a loan that she gives out and waits for the spent money to return to her.

This is how the typical living of the role of the victim in the power of pride manifests itself.

Getting out of this situation is not easy, because we have to admit: our actions are our choice. A husband is not obliged to change just because I want to. His right is not to respond to sacrifice. But we have a choice whether to accept it or not.

Story #2

“I can’t find myself, I’m not satisfied with my current status,” the client reports. I hear phrases like this often. People lack (in their opinion) money, talent, support, influential relatives, or “who needs me alone with a child.”

But in reality, a person simply shifts responsibility to others, waiting for a reward that no one promised him.

But in order to change the world around you, you have to change yourself. Go to courses, start working more actively, at least install a dating application on your phone. That is, start acting and stop waiting for someone to come and save you.


The problem is that people who are in the role of “victim” derive some benefits from this role. These bonuses – empathy from others, feeling like a good person – do not lead to happiness, but for a while they make you feel better.

If we are used to interacting with the world from the position of a victim, it is extremely difficult for us to admit that among our feelings there is also pride.

Whereas recognition is the only way to realize that in this world we make our own choices and that good cannot be done against our will. And also – if you need something from others, you must ask, and not demand, referring to your previous uninvited victims. By doing all this, we begin to feel pride and forever say goodbye to pride.