What to do if the family was not harmonious? Is it possible to build a strong marriage even if the older generation failed?
According to statistics, women turn to psychologists more often. The most urgent request for therapy is about relationships. “Why am I alone?” As a specialist I hear in this: “Why can’t I be happy?”
And then the problem opens up from a completely different angle
The clients of a psychologist running a private practice are educated and aware individuals. Women come after a series of trainings. Each of them has read more than one book on relationships, and yet they are unable to create a family with a man.
When on a conscious level the problem has already been studied along the way, it is worth looking deeper into our childhood, in our most meaningful relationships. Is it true that “maternal affection knows no bounds”?
Did your father take care of you a lot and give you maximum attention and care? Not all wives can take it calmly. Then daughters face their mother’s overt aggression or detachment as a passive form of aggression.
The reason for this behaviour is insecurity and fears rooted in one’s own childhood
Girls also face maternal envy of their success, beauty and youth. Envy provokes the mother to suppress her child’s aspirations. If the daughter is perceived as a threat to her own importance, her life is not sweet.
The girl may not withstand competition and pressure. As a result, the daughter chooses a calm and loving mother, sacrificing her own interests.
A well-known phenomenon in psychology is the projection of one’s own and family problems onto a child. The daughter becomes a catalyst for conflicts. Women raising daughters without fathers often live in resentment towards the latter. Such mothers may be deeply disappointed in the relationship.
In this case, the mother will put in her daughter all her attitudes about men and family: for example, that you can only count on yourself. In addition, pitying her daughter is much more pleasant than envying her.
The girl gets used to the role of the one who is worthy only sympathy …
Her relationships will be built predictably: acquaintance – disappointment in a man – separation – tears. She will again confirm this victim status, playing the game “mum, pity me”, and risks never becoming a happy woman.
In family psychology there is a concept of dysfunction of one of the partners. Sometimes the situation is such that the woman does not cope with the role of wife, mother of the family, and this role in a sense is taken over by the daughter.
For example, the mother may be physically and emotionally absent, a drinker. For one reason or another, she cannot give enough attention, care and support to the man. The daughter “unloads” the father, listening to him and worrying about him, actively participating in conflicts between him and his wife. What kind of relationship is this?
In case the love history of the parents was unfavourable and the mother is suffering, the daughter may join her suffering
Growing up, such a woman will not allow herself to be happy because her mother is unhappy. Pain sometimes unites us more than happy moments.
I often hear from my clients: “I feel as if I will betray my mother if I marry and have a child. Another option: mothers deceive themselves and their daughters, assuring them that daddy will come back. The daughter waits for her father – together or instead of her mother. In the future, such women are afraid of serious relationships – because then the father will come and see that he is not expected, that his place is occupied.
1. Build your life script
Your mum’s script will work if you don’t have your own. Research, define your script for your life and desired relationships. Ask yourself: “What do I want out of this relationship? What is acceptable to me, what is not?” Follow your heart, not trends.
2. Reinforce self worth and personal significance
“I am! And I love any kind of self” is your goal. Strive to “be” in the broadest sense of the word. After all, this is what was suppressed in you as a child. Develop self-love, not just self-esteem – “Good for you because…”. Thank yourself for what you do and don’t do. Devote more time to activities aimed not at the result, but at the process: hobbies and pleasure. You are not a little girl anymore, you have the right.
3. Use psychotherapy
Even small changes in your attitude towards your mum will make a big difference in the way you look at your family and past experiences. A relationship with your mum is a relationship with the whole world. It is the most important relationship in your life.
If you live in complaint with your mum, you will live in complaint and distrust with the whole world
There is no question that mothers love us. Remember that they gave as much love as they could. Your mum’s love, whatever it may be, is all she has, she has no more. It is pointless to demand more or blame her. We can love our parents and adapt to the part of them that may be hurting us. The relationship with your mum can be a huge resource if worked through properly.