One keeps getting partners who leave after a while. Another lives with an unfaithful spouse whose cheating (for some reason) has to be looked past. A third can’t stop cutting the wires of an ex. What do these people have in common? Most likely, the trauma of abandonment. Where does it come from and how can you get rid of it? Let’s talk to a psychologist.

Abandonment is the state of a person with whom communication unilaterally ceases. In this case, there is no adequate preliminary conversation – the other simply disappears, gaining a sense of power and superiority over the abandoned person.

The latter in such a situation experiences a variety of feelings: anger, resentment, pain, disappointment, guilt, shame, powerlessness and worthlessness. Not the desire to go and start his life from scratch. No. This is where the focus on the abandoned person and “going around in circles” is born: all victories and achievements in the name of that person, constant calls (often unsuccessful), requests and pleas, endless imaginary dialogues within themselves.

This happens because the one who has abandoned has completed the planned action, and the one who has been abandoned has no opportunity to influence the situation, as if there was no opportunity. Hence the desire to somehow influence what happened, to change or end the situation.


Abandonment trauma can be formed due to the following factors:

When one or more of these factors are present, the psyche unconsciously chooses appropriate partners to live out the experience of abandonment. It usually wants to transform it into a resource and get out of the scenario, but this can be difficult without professional help.

For example, I had a woman in therapy who knew about all her husband’s infidelities and tolerated them. The only thing she couldn’t bear was the thought that he would leave her and go away. After a while she realised that she was losing the story with her father who had left her and was not involved in her life in any way. We did a session and transformed all her experiences into a resource, after which she filed for divorce and started living her own life.


Do the “Dialogue with the abandoned person” practice

Imagine this person and say whatever you want to say to him. You can write a letter and tear it up, because paper and writing is a great tool that helps to containerise the state: “I am writing to you, what more can I say…”. You can take an active “dialogue” – screaming, crying, hitting a punching bag with a picture of the person who dumped you. In general, do everything to maximally live and release feelings from the body. The most important thing in such practices is to deprive the figure of the abandoner of power over himself and transfer to the rank of an ordinary person, then his influence will weaken.

Consult a specialist

This is necessary to understand the cause of the trauma and work through it. Bring it into a resource, regain self worth and get out of the vicious cycle.

But the most important self-help in these situations is to remember yourself, your interests and your values. That you will never, under any circumstances, abandon or betray.