When changes happen in our lives, for example in our work, relationships or even hobbies, we always want to share our ideas, discuss difficulties and get advice or support. It seems that friends and relatives should be interested in our success, but in reality they are the ones who “get” us the most. Why does this happen? And how to deal with such a situation?
1. IMBALANCE OF SUPPORT
When we are preoccupied with our own affairs, we may forget or overlook that loved ones have many professional or personal tasks and problems of their own. They often don’t care about our repetitive discussions or inner torment. They too get tired and stressed and want to rest and relax at home.
Conclusion: Keep your request for support in moderation and don’t forget that it is a reciprocal process.
2. LACK OF EXPERTISE
We can spend hours immersing our loved ones in technical details or the vicissitudes of professional relationships that present a problem and expect thoughtful analysis and advice from them, but we can only get quality advice from people with similar experience and qualifications who have already been through something similar. Or from a coach whose expertise lies in listening carefully and asking the kind of questions that will help you find the best solution on your own.
Conclusion: pay for professional support to solve problems effectively, and save your time and relationships with your loved ones.
3. DIFFERENT PICTURES OF THE WORLD
Parents are often unable to understand modern realities – for example, the essence and benefits of “new-fangled” professions or the need to run social networks. In their picture of the world, it is much safer to work in a stable office job. You can also dream of working as a psychologist, and the environment will “ground” you by saying that “nowadays every second person is an infotsygan psychologist”. Or you may want to save whales, which your friends, who are not interested in the environmental agenda, will consider as infantile bliss. As a result, the doubts, beliefs and attitudes of your relatives, which they will pass on to you, will not only not help you on your way, but will make you doubt your choice.
Conclusion: Let your loved ones believe what they want to believe. Work with a coach or psychologist to figure out what is valuable to you, what kind of life and activities will bring you the most satisfaction.
4. DIFFERENT IDEAS OF “GOOD”
Your loved ones may have their own idea of what’s good for you or the family. You want to freelance, but your parents think a stable corporate career is better. You’re trying to practice fasting, and grandma slurps a bun because “fasting is bad for you.” You make an effort to find a job abroad and move, and your partner doesn’t see himself in another country. Or you, having given birth to a child, want to continue to fulfil yourself in your profession, but your relatives convince you that you should devote all your time to your child.
This can introduce an element of doubt, judgement and criticism into any communication about your development, which will slow you down, making you doubt yourself. So instead of motivation and movement towards your goal, you will get stagnation or backsliding.
Conclusion: In the first stages of change, until you feel solid ground under your feet in the form of results, give preference to those who will definitely support your endeavour. And look for people with similar values and goals.
5. FEAR OF INSECURITY
We’re all about clarity and predictability, especially in our loved ones, because they are islands of stability in a rapidly changing and unsettling world. So when you change your habits, behaviours, ‘volume’ or desires, you become less predictable and understandable. And sometimes less comfortable. Thereby triggering the emotional state of your loved ones and threatening their routines. In addition, you may have new opportunities, interests and acquaintances, and then there is less time for family or friends. The possibility of remaining on the periphery can also be perceived as a threat to relationships and the status quo.
Conclusion: Show your loved ones that even though you have changed professionally or personally in your attitude towards them, you have not changed.
Love and envy are not necessarily mutually exclusive feelings. When we evolve, people notice on the contrary that nothing changes for them – this is not the most pleasant feeling, which is difficult to admit to oneself. Then there is the unconscious choice to strive after you or slow you down. Sometimes there is not enough energy and motivation to strive, but it is easier to slow you down – through devaluation, distrust and criticism. This often happens, for example, in marital relationships, especially when a woman wants to get out of the usual role of a housewife and self-realise, and the partner likes everything as it is.
Conclusion: If you feel that those around you are pulling you back, add people with similar goals to your social circle – they will help you get out of the “bucket of crabs” and move in the desired direction despite resistance.
7. FEAR OF LOSING AUTHORITY
If you achieve a goal, socialise with new people or start earning more money, it’s likely that you’ll listen less to those who used to be an authority to you. This is often disliked by people who are used to exerting a strong influence on us and our lives – parents (if separation has not occurred), spouses (if there is a co-dependent relationship), friends who may self-assert themselves at someone else’s expense.
Conclusion: Notice manipulation and work through it with a psychologist to find the best way to behave.
Not receiving support or fearing criticism, we often give up and convince ourselves that we are fine as it is, that we did not want development and self-realisation so much. Most often this is self-deception: the need for self-realisation, for using one’s talents, for improving the quality of life is one of the most important for a person. And the lack of support from loved ones should not be an obstacle on this path.
Our loved ones love us and help us as much as they can, but they are not always able to provide quality support in our endeavours. That is why it is important to find or create the right supportive environment for yourself: it can be communities, chat rooms, clubs, where people share your interests and pursue the same goals as you. Or you can enlist the support of a professional who will guide you through the first difficulties and doubts.